Tonight I am asking myself some very difficult questions. Mostly concerning servitude and how far I am willing to go in order to make it known, and proved, that I live in one capacity only: As a servant to my Master. In Christ I live, and move, and have my being.
My life still looks like a kaleidoscope to me, most of the time. Brilliantly colored, for sure. Interesting. Perhaps even pretty on occasion, especially when the light hits it just so... but otherwise about as mixed-up as it can possibly be; no picture or concrete shape can really be seen. Also like a kaleidoscope, it seems to be constantly re-aligning itself. Re-arranging itself. And there are way too many pieces. Some of them seem arbitrary.
There are a few knowns, however. One of them is that my Master has dreamed a dream for my life. Sometimes I think of it as my destiny, although maybe that's just a little bit of my overzealous wanna-be heroine coming out. But then, of course I was meant to be a heroine. Of course we all were-- (or heroes, depending on who's reading) God is the Sovereign Ruler (~King) and He's asked us to be part of His church, His bride... in short, part of the Queen. I think He meant for me to be queenly. Regal. He's asked me to rule with Him. Not in a power-seeking/domineering kind of way, and not without being re-born in the Spirit... rather in a sweetly accepting sort of way, a way in which I've first been transformed by my love for Him and my acknowledgment of Him, and my union with His heart and mind--and afterward, been graced (however unworthily) with a scepter and crown and glorious dress of my own, or a fast horse and mini-Spirit-sword of my own, (we might say, light) so that I may go out into the world with it, and bear witness of the Master... bear witness of my Love... bear witness of His open desire for all people--to be part of His Church, His love, His bride, His (Spirit-born; that is, through the Spirit) equal and co-heir (with Christ) to the Kingdom.
This is the destiny of 1 Corinthians 3:9. And, the rest of the Bible :) (Gospels and Acts maybe especially) on top of it.
All of this is part of one of my "knowns." An essential, generalized, huge part... but even more specifically, (for me personally) I know He has some kind of work for me, that will be VERY involved with His presence among the (largely, or so it seems) unevangelized nations. All the peoples of the earth... to the ends of it on all sides. I have known this for a very, very long time... if there is such a thing as a "life calling," I understand it.
And quite frankly, I have spent the last five years (especially) doubting it, calling it into question on every possible account, suspending and ignoring it, being petrified of it, running away from it, (Jonah really strikes a chord with me) and trying to be unswervingly faithful to it, (consciously or unconsciously by my own strength) and miserably failing. And finally, at this point... I am really starting to see that it isn't going to go away, no matter how much I wish it either would or wouldn't... or no matter how much I try to sabotage it. Wow!! The dream doesn't hinge itself on my humility! It doesn't fall apart because of my pride!! My unfaithfulness doesn't break it, yet my faithfulness doesn't validate its existence!! WOW! Imagine... It's indestructible and untouchable, because it ISN'T MY DREAM... it is His dream and His alone, yet a dream He has set apart FOR me. How freeing!!! Or... (how terrifying...) But there is the glory in it.
All I have to do is offer my servitude. My unconditional, absolutely trusting, safely committed servitude. I don't know what He is asking yet, exactly, or what He will ask in time, but I have to know I will say yes. I will probably be saying yes to some immensely difficult things. With the intensity of spiritual battling that has gone on in my life over the last year alone regarding this particular dream, I can only assume this will be the case. He will ask some very, very hard things of me; He has, in fact, already begun. He will do it for the sake of His kingdom, and I must respond as the queen who is entirely unified with Him and His purposes.
I am trying to give myself up completely. To abandon myself in spite of the unknown; in spite of what I am sure may be the horribly challenging, likely painful, unknown. I am trying to kill myself--at least, the parts of myself that aren't sure where exactly their allegiance lies. Regarding the dream, I am trying with everything in me to say, "Own it. Bring it to life, and take no thought to keep me safe, or happy, or comfortable... take no thought of me at all. We're both thinking of You."
In other words, please pray for me. There is a spiritual battle going on in my life right now. And I'll pray for you too, because there is probably one raging in yours as well, whether you see it or not.
Thank you in advance, to my most loved co-heirs--my true brothers and sisters--in the Lord's service.